My Breastfeeding Journey

It’s world breastfeeding week, and with that comes all the feels!

I wanted to share my own breastfeeding journey - one filled with joy and sorrow, one that didn’t have the ending I wanted no matter how hard I tried. Maybe this will give some comfort to other mummas who didn’t have the journey they anticipated, and maybe, just maybe, this will lessen the guilt that many a mother has felt when breast wasn’t best (or even possible) for them.

But first, I want to acknowledge that each parent has their own unique feeding journey. There are those who couldn’t breastfeed, those who chose not to, those who breastfed beautifully, and of course those who are still waiting for a baby to nourish. My love goes out to all of you - you are all amazing.

I feel so grateful that I was able to breastfeed Sage for almost 6 months. But it was bloody hard. It drove me to the edge. It gave me anxiety. It took away the joy I should have been experiencing with my baby when things started going south.

A rare peaceful feed

Breastfeeding my baby into toddlerhood was something I wanted deeply. Being the diligent student I am, I did all the things they tell you to do pre-birth to set up a successful breastfeeding journey.

I eagerly attended an antenatal breastfeeding class. I started antennal expressing (collecting colostrum pre-birth) at 37 weeks gestation. I even let my mum come over and painfully extract colostrum from my nipple when I couldn’t do it myself, and I was so proud when we collected a few precious drops. When I was told unexpectedly that I would need to be induced just before 38 weeks, I turned up to hospital with my colostrum collecting syringes in hand, squeezing away as a balloon was being inserted into my cervix.

Sage started as a beautiful feeder. I thought phew - this is one less problem for me to think about. She would gulp away blissfully and wriggle her tiny little feet in delight. But as the months went on Sage became fussier and fussier at the breast. Coming on and off/ crying/ downright refusing.

My days started to revolve around the quality of our feeds. I was elated after a good feed, and absolutely heartbroken after a bad feed. I was snappy at my amazingly supportive husband, who let me take out my myriad of moods on his gentle soul.

It was clear that my supply had dropped. Sage’s weight gain started slowing and then dropped off completely. I was devastated. The paediatrician gave me the news that I knew was coming - you need to start supplementing with formula or you are going to end up in hospital.

I knew deep down this was the right thing to do. But it split me in pieces. Why couldn’t I nourish my baby completely when so many of the other mums around me could? It wasn’t the formula that bothered me. It was the irrational thought that I was not enough - that I was a sub-par mother because I could not wholly produce milk for my baby.

Sage’s first breastfeed and Sage’s first bottle feed

But I could still mix feed (using breast and formula) - this was great news. But then as I scrolled through multiple lactation consultants feeds and spoke to other mums I kept hearing again and again that mixed feeding could only last so long - soon bub would end up completely off the boob.

I saw lactation consultants - multiple of them! They were beautiful and supportive and helped me in little and big ways. I even did an online breastfeeding course. But nothing could quite get us over the line.

There were also the multiple bouts of mastitis, a nipple thrush misdiagnosis, food eliminations, and purchasing every nipple aid under the sun - silveretes, nipple creams, hydrogel pads (my personal faves), nipple domes - you name it and I bought it. And they said breastfeeding was meant to be cheap. HA!

There were also the weeks of extra pumping so that I could increase my supply. I didn’t mind at first, but once Sage became more active it took away from our quality time together, and I knew it wasn’t sustainable.

After a few months of mixed feeding, Sage became fussier and fussier at the breast, and I became more and more anxious. I eventually shifted from a place of grief to a place of acceptance. Acceptance that breastfeeding wasn’t working out for us, acceptance that I had done absolutely everything possible to try and improve things, and acceptance that it was time to stop and move on.

I felt immediate relief when I decided to wean, and within a few days Sage was happily exclusively bottle feeding. Neither of us looked back, and my beautiful baby girl continued to thrive.

Happy faces a few days after weaning

I know I am so lucky that I got to even breastfeed at all. I wanted to share this story for parents to know that breastfeeding is not linear - and it is not the be all and end all. Yes - it is special. Yes - it does provides your baby with nutritional and immunological components that we can’t yet replicate with formula. But at the end of the day what your baby will cherish is being loved by its parents, held when they needed it, and being nourished in the absolute best ways it’s parents could provide.

Sometimes I still mourn that our breastfeeding journey was cut short. But then I look at my beautiful thriving baby and I know that it ended for a reason. That her and I were both so much happier bottle feeding with nourishing formula.

If I have another baby, I will 100% try and breastfeed again. But I will also 100% put less pressure on myself if it doesn’t go well. Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all. You are enough no matter how you feed your baby.

I know some people might read this and say what’s this mumma complaining about - she almost got six months! And you’re right, I wish I could have looked at the bright side more. But the journey had a deep emotional impact, and I want people to know that whatever path their journey takes them, and however that makes them feels - that’s OK.

To all the parents out there feeding their gorgeous bubs - you are amazing.